Yet I can't pay my rent this month (my landlord just came over to yell at me, then subsequently give me a pep talk), my phone has been turned off, and my cable and electric bills are both over $300 dollars each. What the fuck gives?
I've never been working harder in my life. Am I working on the wrong projects? Some of them, sure, probably. But some of those no-pay projects got me a freelance gig thanks to my posting them on YouTube. And a lot of those silly videos ended up on my editors effects reel, which helped get me my fulltime gig that I started this week. But my bank account is holding at $9 right now.
I've made some stupid mistakes too:
-Went to AC and gambled away $200
-Let a client pay me with a PS3 instead of a check
-Assumed my fulltime gig was starting a week before it actually did
So basically, I'm a week of money-wise, but it was the first week of the month, when all my bills need to get paid, and that didn't happen. Come to think of it, it didn't happen in February, either. So how come everytime I come into a little bit of cash, it immediately disappears? I don't do drugs. I don't go out drinking a lot. I don't smoke, so I don't need to buy cigarettes. I don't have a car, so I don't need to pay for gas or car insurance. My rent is a ridiculously low $785 a month (for a one-bedroom NYC apartment). I don't buy new clothes. All my gadgets and gizmos in my apartment are on credit cards. Where the fuck is my money going?
Well, that's not a hard answer: I don't get paid enough. I spent 2 1/2 years at a job not getting paid enough. I work freelance gigs where I don't get paid enough. I do jobs for my friends for free. Out of everybody that I know, I make the least amount of money. Not by much, but I also factor in that ALL OF MY FRIENDS, yes that's right all of them, own cars. How the fuck is this possible? I try to do the math in my head and it just doesn't work out.
I beg, borrow, and steal more than anybody. It makes me feel 2 inches tall. It makes me feel like complete shit. If I had a nickel for everytime I said "I'm a little light on cash this week," I would never have to utter that phrase again. It sucks. And talking about it sucks. I hate it. I grew up with little money and now I'm an adult with little money.
I'll know in 2 weeks, when the first fulltime gig check comes in, whether all of this will change for the better. I don't want to be rich, I just want to be comfortable. I want to be able to work on my own projects and not have to worry about whether or not I can eat dinner that night. Whether or not I can afford my medication. Whether or not I can pay rent, wash my clothes, afford a metrocard to I can get back and forth in the city...
I want to make money so I don't have to worry about it. I want to pick up the tab. I want to be able to fucking pay back CJ after 4 years. I don't want clients to ask me why there's a message on my phone saying its been disconnected. I don't want friends to ask me if I need to borrow money. I don't want relationships to end because of money. I don't want to have to eat off the fucking Burger King dollar menu.
Hopefully, we'll all look back on this one day and laugh while we're lighting our cigars with $100 bills.